My Path to Healing — Part II
In the early days of the pandemic (April 2020), I had a lot of time on my hands. In between applying for in-house recruiting leadership jobs (in the event all of our clients decided to pull their budgets), trying to keep my team’s morale high (along with my own morale), to trying not to worry about if we would lose our house (we wouldn’t but your mind does play tricks on you when the world is in panic mode), I decided to apply for the altMBA. I figured that would be a positive distraction from all the noise around me.
As luck would have it, I started my altMBA in July of 2020, just after my work started with Angie. The altMBA is an intense workshop that combines deep EQ work with business fundamentals and activities. Students are from all over the world, connected via an online learning platform, Slack, Zoom, and cohort-based learning experiences, not to mention, A LOT of writing and reflection. This experience couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Upon reflection, I know this was always part of the divine plan.
In the early days of my work with Angie, I could feel the resistance in me. I’m not sure I believed there were things that needed to heal or that my perspectives could be changed since I am an “adult”. I remember in one of our earlier sessions I brushed over the fact that I had a “hard heart”, that often felt like a lump of coal, in my chest. Sounds dramatic, I know, but that is honestly, the only way I could effectively describe it. I had a hard heart for twenty years and I began to think there was nothing that would soften it.
Angie and I talked about my values in one of our first few sessions. It was no surprise that my stubborn mindset wouldn’t rate any of the values on the sheet a 5 out of 5…not even family, or my health. In June of 2020, my top three values were:
- ) financial freedom/abundance
- ) challenge
- ) mental stimulation
I was motivated by working hard, in challenging situations, likely all the time, to make money. That was it. And it was awful. My egoic mind would make excuses for myself every weekend when I would remain glued to my computer instead of spending time with my son or partner. I would tell myself “I have to work, I’m the CEO, and I pay the bills, and if I don’t work, nothing will get done, etc etc”. This led to me physically letting myself go. Over-consuming alcohol, not exercising, not prioritizing sleep, or rest. It was ugly.
Always being athletic, not taking care of my body, made me so self-conscious, but still, my egoic mind was relentless and self-care wasn’t a priority until it was. I committed to Angie that I would “move my body” in some way, every day. It was as simple as that. I didn’t need to have a big plan for what that looked like, but it started as walking the dogs, then slowly evolved to finding a personal trainer a few times a week, to really getting back on track with health as a priority with the help of Peak Power Fitness.
