My Path to Healing: Part V

When I got back from Montauk, my marriage had reached a breaking point. I sat upstairs on a Saturday afternoon and cried. Feeling lonely in my big, beautiful house. This feeling felt familiar. It was how I spent most of 2020, upstairs, feeling lonely. That day felt different. I took action.

I walked downstairs in the kitchen to tell Gulli I wasn’t happy and that we needed help. We either needed to go to therapy or it was over. Therapy was really the only thing I thought could help my broken marriage. He walked away when I was mid-sentence and started working on some other task. I felt ignored, small, not valued, and I had had it. I cried harder. I felt silenced.

The next day, we had friends over for dinner, even though we had unresolved issues and just swept them under the rug, like we always did. By the end of the night, the unresolved issued bubbled into a full-blown, ugly argument. One where you say really hurtful things that you don’t necessarily mean, but the words just flow out of you in a fit of rage.

We slept separately that night, like most other nights. I woke up the next day, Monday, and I felt calm. Gulli still had a lot of emotions flowing through him and he was angry. Our communication was not getting us anywhere. We talked in circles until finally I snapped and told him to get out. I’m not sure I wanted him actually out, but I just needed to be alone with my thoughts so that was the only thing I could think to say was “get out!”.

He left for a few weeks and it was so painful. Painful reconciling my feelings, while holding my newfound boundaries, and honoring my emotional needs. We talked a bit here or there but for two weeks, time went slowly. He was out of the house and I was “doing it all”. I did the pickup, dropoff, mealtime, bedtime routine etc, while also managing my business. The odd thing was, it was easy and effortless. For such a long time, I was convinced that I would never be able to “do it all”. I had told myself the story that there is just no way I would be able to manage my life without the help of Gulli.

Baxter and I survived the few weeks without Gulli in the house but there came the time to make the decision. Does Gulli come home or does he move out permanently? Despite all the issues that were coming to the surface in our marriage, I knew I wasn’t able to throw in the towel. I knew deep down, I love him, but we had lost our way.

Given my energy healing work with Pharaoh, I decided to approach the conversation with Gulli from a different angle and invited him to join me on the healing journey. Not just for us, but for himself first. To my surprise, he was open to it. He did a solo session with Pharaoh. He was able to heal some parts of himself that opened up an opportunity for us to talk from a place of vulnerability and openness we’d never experienced before.

On March 31st, I had a session with Pharaoh where we outlined the next 90 days of work. What I wanted from my marriage and the commitments I/we needed to make in order to give ourselves an opportunity before throwing in the towel completely. At the same time, we lined up a therapist and the first few sessions were really challenging. Hard to hear the things that came up for him about me, and hard to share the things that came up for me about him. Each session felt like we chipped only a tiny piece off a massive stonewall living between us.

Gulli committed to a few things that were really important before coming back to the house. He came home a few weeks before I went to Tulum.